Can't Sleep Clowns Will Eat Me.

OK I'm not sure what's going on, but for the last few nights I've been waking up around 3:00 - 4:00 am for no particular reason that I can fathom. I woke at 4:12am. I folded some laundry & tried to figure out what's wrong with my laptop. Which brings me here. I can't sleep so I'm posting.

I've been doing this blog thing for a little while & I don't know if droning on about my personal problems to the world at large is a good thing. I would think that it would get rather boring hearing me complain about my life. The reason I say this is because that's all I seem to think about posting about in my blog lately. My problems, the "why me's," things I can't understand about other people's thinking compared to mine, etc. I mean is this what I'm supposed to be using a blog for? My own personal self-psychological evaluation space for all to see? I could be posting things about music, politics, movies, video games or whatever, but when I think about posting something it always seems to be me wanting to say something that I wouldn't say in real life to anyone for the most part.

Is this sane or am I starting down a weird road of insanity?

*sigh*

Let the personal introspection begin.

In my previous post I said I feel "disconnected" & I still do. I still feel that part of it comes from not much work & barely making enough to get by. But now I'm worried that it might be some form of depression. Happiness seems to come in small spurts here & there & in most cases video games (the joy of finishing Halo 1 the other night for the first time), watching TV shows (Whose Line Is It Anyway?, The Daily Show, Various Poker Shows), or getting together with friends. The rest of the time I'm just in this disconnected blah mood where I wonder about my future, how will I pay my bills, when will I get a full time job, will I ever find the right woman, what am I going to have for lunch, etc.

Now after writing these down I look at them & say anyone reading this is going to say those are normal worries everyone has them, suck it up & drive on. The thing is I really never worried about this stuff that much in the past. It's like these have come to the forefront & decided to park themselves in a never ending loop of thought. I can get my mind off of them for a while, but they come back when I'm not doing anything. Maybe this is why I can't sleep, these thought hit me the most before I go to sleep.

Couple that with a mood of not wanting to burden other with my problems. I used to hang out on Xbox live most night with some on-line friends, but I haven't done that in quite a while now because I don't want to bring them down with my problems. And while I know they are a good close group of friends of mine I just feel I would bring them down & that it would be unfair of me to do that. Especially since part of the joy I got from them was playing a game on-line with them that I can't play now because I can't pay the monthly fee.

Then there are perceived worries. One of my roommates is loosing her job (the company she works for is scaling down operations in Seattle). She's under stress now to find a new job. She is also the most financially sound person in the house. She takes good care of her credit & bills. But in the last couple months I have gotten into a viscous borrowing cycle with her. Roughly $200 of borrowing cycle. It started because I was $200 shy of rent, she covered it for me & I paid her back the next payday. But then the next payday I was $200 shy for bills, so she covered that for me, & so you now see the cycle I've put myself in. I hate it. Now that she's loosing her job she's stressed about this cycle also. She's scarred, I'm scarred. And with that she's stated that I also should be looking for a full time job.

A full time job is what I want, but I want it at the place I'm working at right now. I love my job there. I work at a 24hr TV news station in Seattle. I love it. It's one of those situations where after I started working there I wonder why I never applied there before. The job brings a great joy & sense of accomplishment to me. There are great people to work with & I feel like I actually do something every day I'm working there. But there is nothing full time open right now. Now I understand that they have a kind of a high turnover rate for people there, but when I asked about it, it seems normal for the TV industry. So there is the hope that someone will just quit & move on or move up. Now I've heard that the new News Director wants to add a 4:00am news update show. This gives me a bit of hope because from the way I look at the shift schedule they almost would have to add a new shift to work it in.

When she said I should look for a full time job I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. I felt like here she was telling me to quit the job I enjoy & find something else. And I know part of her saying I should find a full time job is she's worried about when she is finally let go from her job, how long will she be with out work. Especially after watching me flail around looking for the better part of 7-8 months. Add to that the fact she works in a different field than I. She's looking into something in IT & in Seattle you can throw a rock & hit an IT person.

I'm sort of looking around, but I don't want to loose what I have. I love this job.

Maybe this is the root of my sleeplessness? Job & money worries, it's nothing new, it just has seemed to hit me harder lately.....And this is not the time of the season I want it to hit me either.

And if this disconnection I feel is depression, that's just another worry. Since I can't pay for doctor to even tell me that. Bad enough I'm suppose to be taking medication for high blood pressure & an inactive thyroid, but can't afford that either.

*sigh*

If anyone has read this far sorry for boring you with my burdens & problems. I guess I just had to get it out. I feel a little better, but not by much.